-Applied my third patch in the morning today (first patch was evening of 27 December, second patch was morning of 2 January). Still don't really notice anything—even my libido seems intact. The doctor had totally been willing to prescribe Spiro, too, but I had declined because it seemed prudent to be conservative about something I'm thinking about as a gender-themed drug experiment and definitely _not_ a gender transition. Should I have taken her up on it? I should be patient; developments would take time regardless.
+Applied my third patch in the morning today (first patch was evening of 27 December, second patch was morning of 2 January). Still don't really notice anything—even my libido seems intact. The doctor had totally been willing to prescribe spiro, too, but I had declined because it seemed prudent to be conservative about something I'm thinking about as a gender-themed drug experiment and definitely _not_ a gender transition. Should I have taken her up on it? I should be patient; developments would take time regardless.
My dayjob performance has been utterly abysmal because I've been too upset to think about code, instead continuing to hyperfocus on how ([virtually](http://unremediatedgender.space/2016/Dec/anne-lawrence-is-the-only-honest-human-wip/)) [_everyone has been lying to me_](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Jan/im-sick-of-being-lied-to/) about _the most important thing in my life_ for _ten years_, but I don't want to attribute that to the patch, because I've kind of been doing that more-or-less continuously for the past six months.
-Again, none of this is very surprising on a starter dose with no Spiro. That's fine. This is [known to be a slippery slope](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Jan/the-line-in-the-sand-or-my-slippery-slope-anchoring-action-plan/), best explored slowly and carefully if at all.
+Again, none of this is very surprising on a starter dose with no spiro. That's fine. This is [known to be a slippery slope](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Jan/the-line-in-the-sand-or-my-slippery-slope-anchoring-action-plan/), best explored slowly and carefully if at all.
>
> —"Weird Science" by Oingo Boingo
-
+
So, I took off my estradiol patch during [my recent nervous breakdown](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Mar/fresh-princess/). I still [don't think](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Jan/hormones-day-33/) it had much, if any, real effect. (In particular, the stress and sleep-deprevation by themselves seem quite sufficient to explain the breakdown without attributing any of it to a nonstandard hormone balance, especially given how similar it felt to my 2013 nervous breakdown.)
Again, everyone had _told_ me that just-estrogen without an anti-androgen doesn't do anything, but that didn't seem absolutely locked down from me from what I had read ("Anti-Androgens May Not Be Necessary", according to [a lit review](https://srconstantin.wordpress.com/2016/10/06/cross-sex-hormone-therapy-female-hormones/) that I may or may not have had a causal role in commissioning), and remember: from my perspective, if [everyone is lying](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Jan/im-sick-of-being-lied-to/) about the etiology, maybe they got the dosages wrong, too! So I don't regret being conservative for the initial experiment. (The _starter_ in "starter dose" is code-switching for _placebo_!)
-Anyway, during the aftermath of my release from prison/kindergarten, my father got me to promise not to restart the drug experiment for a month, and I _care_ about keeping my promises—particularly so in the aftermath of a psychotic quasi-religious experience featuring heavy themes of reducing morality to game theory. (Transparent agents who tell the truth and keep their promises are easier to cooperate with and therefore form more powerful coalitions.) That would have been on 20 February, so it is in keeping with my word that I didn't get the medical establishment to resupply me with more estradiol patches and—this time—the standard anti-androgen spironolactone, until 24 March. (I should also have an order of oral estrogen and Spiro coming from [an Indian supplier](https://www.alldaychemist.com/) in the post, if for no other reason than that my recent imprisonment taught me that I need to practice being less [authoritarian-submissive](https://www.edge.org/response-detail/23876) towards the medical establishment.)
+Anyway, during the aftermath of my release from prison/kindergarten, my father got me to promise not to restart the drug experiment for a month, and I _care_ about keeping my promises—particularly so in the aftermath of a psychotic quasi-religious experience featuring heavy themes of reducing morality to game theory. (Transparent agents who tell the truth and keep their promises are easier to cooperate with and therefore form more powerful coalitions.) That would have been on 20 February, so it is in keeping with my word that I didn't get the medical establishment to resupply me with more estradiol patches and—this time—the standard anti-androgen spironolactone, until 24 March. (I should also have an order of oral estrogen and spiro coming from [an Indian supplier](https://www.alldaychemist.com/) in the post, if for no other reason than that my recent imprisonment taught me that I need to practice being less [authoritarian-submissive](https://www.edge.org/response-detail/23876) towards the medical establishment.)
-It was raining in "Portland" that day. I was eager to try my first dose of Spiro before even getting home, and walked to a nearby outpost of a hegemonic coffeeshop chain to do so. The paper bag from the pharmacy nearly dissolved in the rain, and I ended up having to carry the supplies in my jacked pockets on the way home.
+It was raining in "Portland" that day. I was eager to try my first dose of spiro before even getting home, and walked to a nearby outpost of a hegemonic coffeeshop chain to do so. The paper bag from the pharmacy nearly dissolved in the rain, and I ended up having to carry the supplies in my jacked pockets on the way home.
And now—soon I may have greater apprehension of what it means to have a more female-like hormone balance! Wish me luck!
* Estradiol: _Yes_ ([already underway](http://unremediatedgender.space/2017/Jan/hormones-day-13/))
* Spironolactone: _Maybe_ (conditional on results from just-estrogen)
-* Facial hair removal (laser): _Maybe_ (conditional on results from E/Spiro; if beard shadow makes the difference between consistently reading as "weirdly androgynous man" rather than "trans woman", I probably need to keep it)
+* Facial hair removal (laser): _Maybe_ (conditional on results from E/spiro; if beard shadow makes the difference between consistently reading as "weirdly androgynous man" rather than "trans woman", I probably need to keep it)
* Cosplaying female characters at special events (Comic-Con, Halloween, *&c.*): _Yes_
* Everything else: _No no no no no no no no_
In this post, the author describes his stuggles with gender dysphoria: ever since childhood, he's wanted to be female, and the fact that he's not causes him pain. This is a serious problem worthy of sympathy, respect, and—by far the most valuable psychological state one can occupy in the service of someone else's troubles—careful _thought_.
-Certainly, one possible solution to this problem—and an increasingly well-trodden path at this late date—would be to transition. Take estadiol, take Spiro, get new clothes, train your voice, pick a new name—I hear that a lot of people don't even get bottom surgery these days—and all of this having been accomplished, our heroine will have accomplished the feat of having _become_ a transwoman successfully occupying the social role of womanhood, and in an enlightened, liberal society, people will respect that, even if you don't quite pass.
+Certainly, one possible solution to this problem—and an increasingly well-trodden path at this late date—would be to transition. Take estadiol, take spiro, get new clothes, train your voice, pick a new name—I hear that a lot of people don't even get bottom surgery these days—and all of this having been accomplished, our heroine will have accomplished the feat of having _become_ a transwoman successfully occupying the social role of womanhood, and in an enlightened, liberal society, people will respect that, even if you don't quite pass.
projects / Ultimately_Untrue_Thought.git / commitdiff